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Tuesday, January 24, 2012

10 Monsters I Don't Use (Monster Manual 2)

What is that?  Oh yes, it is more monsters I don't understand or don't care for.  As these books progress, these charts get relatively easier to fill.  By the next two, I may need to increase the size of the lists.  Oh well, sit back and enjoy reading my impotent nerd rage.

10. Blood Ape

I'll admit this one isn't too bad...except it's basically a gorilla that can suddenly get bigger. It's like the Apache Chief of the Monster Manuals... 
 But that's really all they've got going for them. Other then that they pretty much act like normal gorillas that are slightly smarter then a normal gorilla.

9. Raggamoffyn

Yeah, these things are pretty goofy. It's basically constructs that are made up of rags. That is all. Oh, and they take over the minds of things that they latch onto. How shameful is that of an adventurer that he is being mind controlled by a bag of rags. The fact that they felt the need to create several different types of this thing boggles the mind. Is one rag construct not enough? We have to have a couple different ones to shame your players?

8. Cloud Ray

Ugh...just...really? Giant levitating creatures that fly around and eat. And there isn't any actual sort of purpose for them to interact with the party, other then they accidentally eat the party when flying over. So you just walk along then suddenly, shadow and a giant sting ray is swooping down to eat you and your friends.

7. Julajimus

It's a giant baboon! Why do I even need to say more about this thing? It's a freaking giant baboon with sharp, pointy teeth. Most of its abilities make it seem like it is a baboon form of a dragon. There isn't really much to this thing, it's pretty simple and just another one of those monsters that Wizards just kind of was really stretching for ideas when they made it. Also, it has a dumb name that is kind of a mouthful to pronounce.

6. Ash Rat

The Ash Rat...where to begin. First off, these things are stupid weak. Okay, but that usually is balanced by awesome defensive capabilities, right? Oh...just spits fire for 1d4 damage. Oh. Well, it does have a 20% miss chance...but still this thing is just a silly concept. Basically, a rat that burns and sets everything else on fire. It's just not particularly anything really.

5. Loxo

I knew this one was going to be on the list before I started the list. This is another one of Wizards big hard on for man/animal hybrid...another manimal, if you will. 

Whoops, wrong elephant man. Anyway, it's just silly looking enough with an elephant head, but they felt the need to add an extra trunk on there for some reason. They are pretty straight forward as far as manimal monsters go, but they are just really too goofy looking for me to take seriously.

4. Moon Rat

Oh, Moon Rat. just hurt my brain. They are rats, that become smart and evil during the full moon. I swear to Odin, that if I am ever playing in a game and the evil plot that is threatening the town we are trying to save is being masterminded by Moon Rats I will just allow the Moon Rats to take over, because any town getting threatened by rats doesn't deserve to survive. If I ever used these things in my game, I would only do it as a dick move towards my players.

3. Galeb Duhr
I hate these guys, even the artwork for them just mutters “Meh.” They are rock people. Rock people that sit there and do nothing all the time. “Oh, they sing!” you might say. I would shake my head and say with sagely tones that it then goes on to say that most of their singing falls below a range human ears can hear. So, yes, they may be singing but you would never know. It's like someone at Wizards was like, “Hey, so Treants protect and look like trees right? What if we do the same thing with rocks?” And some editor said yes. Why? Why do you exist Galeb Duhr?

2. Ixitxachitl

I'm going to start with a quote here from Monster Manual II, “The greatest difference between rays and ixitxachitls is that the former are simple, inoffensive creatures and the latter are intelligent, organized and evil.” I like to think that a ray somewhere is wringing its fins together and laughing evilly, “Yes...good, good...No one suspects a thing.” That being said, I would refuse to use these creatures for no reason other then the name is stupid long and hard to pronounce. Here is my problem with these things. It says in the book that they enslave other creatures. Okay, fine. Then goes on to say that the average city can have twice as many slaves as ixitxachitls. Wait...these things are small. I mean, I get that enough of them would be able to overwhelm weak things, but the book specifically mentions that they may have things like “nixies, gargoyles and even humans or elves with magic items to allow them to breathe underwater”. All of those things should be able to handle these guys...even in large groups. So yeah, there are a lot of other evil underwater creatures to use that make way more sense then “evil sting rays”.

1. Psurlon

This point my brain just said no. It refused to even bother trying to make sense of these things. It's a worm manimal. A WORM MANIMAL. Re-read that and try to convince yourself you are not in the middle of a fever dream fueled by a mixture of nyquil and dayquil. I just don't understand why you would ever come up with these things. I get giant intelligent psionic earthworms, but why make them look humanoid? WHY, Wizards, why? I could never justify using these things because my players would just laugh at them, then at me. I would not be able to continue being the DM, I would have to turn in all my books in shame and do something else with my time, like collecting small animals.

1 comment:

  1. Well, I can understand why you hate some of these monsters, like the Ash Rat and Ixitxichatl, but some of them don't really deserve the hate. Moon Rats could actually be interesting in a low level adventure. I also think Galeb Duhrs are awesomely flavourful earth creatures, as long as you present them in the right way to your party. Cloud Rays are also flavourful and when implemented the right way and could be fantastic to encounter... perhaps they would cause more environmental trouble rather than full-on combat with the players, because I can understand that would actually be rather stale.
    But imagine your players walking on a cloud ray without them realising, or having them fight on top of a cloud ray with other creatures. I could think of ways to make them really interesting.

    The Julajimus has a special place in my heart, since I have developed a recurring comic-relief-type of encounter with baboons and everything related to baboons in my games as a DM.