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Wednesday, January 18, 2012

10 Monsters I Don't Use

So I decided to do another list!  Basically I was looking through the Monster Manuals and thinking, "Man, some of these are really dumb."  So I figured I would put them together for you to read.  I'm going to go through all the Monster Manuals for 3.5 1-4, then go through the Pathfinder Bestiary 1-3.  Now, this first one was a little hard cause for the most part the monsters in here are pretty well written and make sense.  Once I finish this series, I'm going to move onto the next feature of which monsters make no sense in terms of evolution and ecology.

For now, enjoy the list and feel free to comment or argue why a monster I included is the most important monster ever.

10. Achaierai

This four legged giant bird thing is pretty silly. It's big tactic is to Spring Attack in, attack, then bound away. Except he has a special ability called Black Cloud...which only effects creatures within ten feet of it. I get that it is supposed to be a last resort if surrounded by enemies, but that is really its only defensive or offensive ability. Typically, I prefer my monsters to be a little more then just big meat bags. This creature is pretty much just a big meat sack for your party to attack and whale on...possibly while another bigger more useful monster was setting stuff up.

9.  Formian

These are basically giant ant people. Not necessarily useless or horrible to use, but just kind of dumb to me. I get that Wizards really seems to enjoy making mixtures of humans and animals, but this one seemed like it's just a higher CR giant ant colony. They get some extra abilities then giant ants, but really you could have just called them “Psychic Ants” or something and BOOM, same difference.

8. Guardinal

I always thought these guys were silly. Basically once again you have this idea of human/animal...a manimal of sorts. The ones presented in the book is a bird man...

and a lion man.
Essentially these are extra planar creatures (a lot of the creatures on this list are extra-planar...hmmmmmm) that are paladins naturally. They hate all evil and go out of their way to kill evil. Which means likely they'll never be facing my party and so...out they go.

7. Ethereal Filcher

Seriously? Seriously. This exists. Just look at the picture. Look at it and tell me that I'm supposed to seriously use this in my game? Come on. This one is at least native to the material planes, which makes it sort of weird in its own right. I'm thinking about doing another feature soon about monsters that evolutionarily make no sense. These guys will likely be on that list. Anyway, to boil it down, they use Ethereal Jaunt to pick peoples pockets. That is it. They steal from you and disappear. Woooooo.

6. Ethereal Marauder

Another extra-planar creature, which makes its appearance less bizarre. It's like Wizards got the submission for the Filcher and said to the writer, “It picks pockets? That's it? Well, I'll allow you to put it in if you make a version that does the same thing, but instead bites things instead of picking its pockets.” It is an effective monster, but it also falls under what I like to call the DM Dick Move. Cause it is super frustrating for a party to face a monster that pops in, attacks, then disappears. Wash, Rinse, Repeat. And unless they totally destroy the monster in one round, it'll disappear when badly wounded and then never return.

5. Rast

Oh another extra-planar creature, yay! This one looks like basically a spider with a monster head. It has a lot of abilities, but it is still just silly looking. I also like in the description it says “Floating, fleshy sacks of teeth and claws, these insatiable creatures eat almost continuously.” they then go on to say that it drinks blood mostly. Which makes no sense...cause it lives on the plane of fire. FIRE. Blood doesn't exactly do well in a plane of fire. Yet, there it is...the Rast.

4. Yrthak

A gigantic, blind flying pterodactyl. That is all this creature is. Oh, and it has a unicorn horn that shoots big beams of sounds. And lest we forget, all its sensory organs are on its tongue. There you go. Again, it's like they were running out of ideas and just wanted to throw in a couple more bizarre creatures to use. Like the notes said, “Must fly, be blind, and have a giant sound unicorn horn. Oh and lets have it use its tongue to see the world.” Whatever, make no sense.

3. Phasm

Okay, I know that these things can look like anything that they want to, but their default look is just dumb. They are like giant amoeba things...who knows. I think it follows in a sort of Cthulhu-esque monster from another plane way...oh, what? Oh, they are they are from this plane. God-damn it Wizards...why do you have to do things like this to me? Nothing to do but sigh and move on.

2. Delver

This was a close call for first place...mostly because these things are so useless. Seriously they are just giant slugs that eat through stone. That is pretty much it. Seriously, they just tunnel and eat rock. The only time your party will ever come across these things is if they are tunneling underground and this guy bursts through all Kool-Aid Man style on them.

 Oh and they feed by dissolving rocks and eating them with their underbellies which is “almost all mouth”. Just picture walking around everywhere by dragging your mouth on the ground all the time. Ew.

1. Digester

And the creature I'll never use is the Digester. Seriously, look at that goofy thing. It squirts acid out of its head and then tries to attack. That is really the only thing they got going for them. It is so stupid looking I just absolutely refuse to ever try to use this in my games. I mean, it shoots acid from its forehead and that is it. I placed it up there because I feel it is a horrible blend of goofy looking, making no sense and uselessness.

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