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Thursday, February 16, 2012

Monsters I Don't Use 3

Cause I'm just so filled with hate I've got to go another book in.  Sorry for not posting this sooner, but I've been out for two weeks with some chimeric death plague that I got from work.  Got to love working in a place my doctor nicknames "Germs R Us".  So this post is a little late and I apologize.

I was going to also take some monsters from Monster Manual 4, but after looking through it I decided to skip it.  Seriously, most of the book is actually just ecology entries for monsters that they've already published in previous books.  And the monsters that are leftover doesn't give me enough to work with to make an effective list.  So I'm going to instead place my last 3.5 entry and give you some of my favorite monsters from the first Monster Manual.  I'll then be moving on to Pathfinder Bestiaries and their stupid monsters!  Yay!

But for now, enjoy the Monster Manual 3 and it's fail monsters!




Armand


Now, I know, what you are thinking.  An entire race of monsters that look like Antonio Banderas vampires?  How can that be bad?  That would be awesome!  That's what I thought too, until I looked a little more into it and found out that they are all this:

Yep, more manimal madness!  This time, armadillos mixed with people...feel the love.  Again, there is nothing inherently bad about these monsters, but it's just one that I'll never be able to use seriously in a game.  I mean, look at that thing.  It's just not going to be taken seriously.  So, hey, there you go...dumb armadillo people.

Avalancher
Ah, the Avalancher.  Basically a giant rock crab that shakes the ground and causes an avalanche.  There is really only so much you can do with that.  I mean, it pops up, causes an earthquake then...well, that's about it.  There isn't really much to these guys, they have a "transmute rock to mud" ability, but I can't imagine you would want to use it all that much since you can't cause an avalanche with mud.  *SIGH*

Bearhound

 Okay, these things are dumb.  Seriously, it's just a bear with wolf teeth and tail.  That is it.  Ugh, there is nothing really redeemable or interesting about these things.  It's like someone said, "Hey, you know what would be cool?  Giving bears a trip attack.  That would be awesome."  So they did just that.  It also has the ability to enchant natural weapons with a +1 bonus, but that's not really all that great or interesting.

Goatmen

Yes, I know that the title says "Goatfolk" but I really don't like the weird PC move that Wizards made to change "man" to "folk".  So they are Goatmen.  And they are dumb.  Just more of that stupid manimal crap that they love to put out.  I can't really look at it without thinking about that goat faced thing from Jabba's Palace.  So yeah...moving on.

Knell Beetle


These things are just so silly.  They have decent abilities, but look at the picture.  LOOK AT THE PICTURE.  They are just too ridiculously goofy.  They have a giant cone on their foreheads and look like giant beetle/crabs.  I wouldn't really be scared of going up against them because I'd be too busy laughing at their silly little head cone.

Lhosk


Just...I mean...it's a freakin' gorilla drider.  I mean, did they really look at the drider and say, "We just got to add a gorilla to it.  Just got to get more gorilla stuff going here."  So here we are.  Giant gorilla/spiders that live in the jungle.  And since gorillas are all noble and stuff, they aren't evil, just chaotic neutral.


Plague Brush

Death by tumbleweed.  This monster is just a killer tumbleweed.  Seriously, that is all there is.  Nothing more.  It is a tumbleweed that rolls around and kills people.  It scoops up your bodies and just tumbles around till you die.  How am I supposed to fear a giant tumbleweed.  I just can't do it.  There is nothing scary or intimidating about these things.

Seryulin

Okay, I can't take this.  I mean, I don't understand what they were thinking when they created this thing.  It's a giant sea slug.  This is one of those things that I can't help but think that the thought process behind this was, "Well, we need a mount for underwater monsters.  What should we use?"  And someone looked up and said, "Giant sea slugs?"  And everyone just agreed to it and that is why we have this stupid thing.  There isn't much to them, they are really just there so you can give your underwater monsters something to ride other then a giant seahorse or something.

Susurrus

I can't look at this thing without laughing.  It is just so stupid.  I mean, really, why is it called Susurrus.  Why?  Because the wind moving through it creates a "susurrating dronesong".


Ugh.  So anyway, they hate undead because...because I guess.  It doesn't explain why they hate undead, and their dronesong even specifically targets undead.  They also have detect undead and ghost touch, but we never get any explanation as to why they have these abilities.  I cannot sigh enough to express how stupid this monster is.

Trilloch

I can't express my hatred for these things.  They serve no purpose at all.  There is nothing at all redeemable about these things.  And to top it off, why would they draw them so stupid-looking?  According to the entry, these things are naturally invisible, which is so powerful you have to use true seeing just to see their true form.  Which looks like a very, very weird amalgamation creature. 

The really stupid thing though is that all they do is float around following a creature till it dies.  Then it floats along and follows whatever killed the creature that died.  Then follows that around till it dies and follows around its killer.  Ad infinitum.  Seriously, if you use this thing all it does is follow the party around, using its control rage ability to mess with party members and then wait for them to die so it can...well, in the entry it says it feeds off the dying essence of those that die, but it doesn't say that it translates into anything like causing difficulty if you want to raise that person.  So I'm having to guess it has no in game consequence.

So there you go, more monsters I hate.  Coming next week, a list of my favorite monsters from the first monster manual!

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